Worse Than TSS.

Surprisingly, my mother never warned me about TSS, or "Toxic Shock Syndrome" (the thing ladies can get if Mr. Tampon stays in for too long).

Instead, she told me this story about a smelly girl nobody liked:

Once upon a time, in a small Nebraska town, a girl's volleyball team was plagued by a TERRIBLE stench. This stench inflitrated the locker room, the gym, the cafeteria- everywhere the team went. Parents complained, so lockers we cleaned out with bleach and uniforms were washed in hot water. But to no avail. The stench persisted. Then one day, a girl on the team ended up with terrible cramps and had to go to the hospital. The doctor opened her up and found a rotten and decaying tampon inside of her which was the cause of the offending stench.

TSS? Whatever. Being the cause of a PTA meeting about a stench? Now there's a reason to double check if Mr. Tampon has successfully left the building.

Don't Sit Down in a Pool.

If you are a fan of swimming, don't read this story. Because this is not something you want to be reminded of when you are trying to have fun doing hand-stands and somersaults in a pool.

After I mentioned the super fun time I planned to have in a hotel pool, my mother told me this little gem of a tale: Whilst playing in the shallow end of a swimming pool, a little girl decided to sit directly on top of the pool filter.  After a while, her mother heard her crying (it's always the mother) and it turns out that pool filters work by powerful suction. Suction powerful enough to suck a rectum out of a tiny person. AGH! DO NOT PICTURE THIS. Instead, enjoy this menacing drawing of the offending pool filter.

Wash Your Bananas

My mom tells me to wash my bananas, because "you never know where someone has put a banana".

I hope that this is not true. But I still wash my bananas because I'd rather spend that extra minute washing it than worrying that I ate traces of poop.*

*  "Traces of poop" is a common "Love, Mom" theme.

I'm Sorry in Advance.

Sometimes I want to un-know some of the things that my mother tells me. It's hard to relax and enjoy things when you are worried about someone gizzing in your soup.

So here's my attempt to purge my mind of all the uniquely upsetting things my mother (and sometimes my grandmother) told me over the years.

Love,
Me (Mom's daughter.)